A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What’s yours?"
"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I’ll have the same."
The man says, "I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What’s yours?"
"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I’ll have the same."
Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers asked the old man, "What the hell is going on?"
The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and we attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer said, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old guy said, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."
One of the golfers asked the old man, "What the hell is going on?"
The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and we attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer said, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
* * * *
A man is walking in the city when he is accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking tramp, who then asks for a couple of pounds for dinner. The man takes £2 out of his pocket and asks: "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the tramp says.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course?"
"Are you mad? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man says: "Well, I'm not going to give you £2. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific meal cooked by my wife."
The tramp is astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replies: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf."
* * * * *
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
* * * * *
A man tells his friend: ''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!'' The friend says: ''Great trade!''
* * * * *
Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."
3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had todo to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater".
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